童年

第一次开车走小路回家,路途崎岖折叠,有好几次甚至迷了路。山间的公路起起伏伏,像是漂泊在海上的肠子。

我记不清上一次在家里是哪一个夏天,除了前年带你回家。再往前竟然全是南半球的冬天。

大概是这些年一直背井离乡,公路旁的白杨树明显比从前粗了许多,树叶也茂盛了。白杨后面是满眼绿色的稻田,一层又一层,从山腰蔓延到山脚。

我不能解释这样熟悉而又陌生的感受,夏天和童年的记忆仿佛一瞬间又全部回来。

午休的时候,思琪一直在旁边玩耍,一会儿要我陪她出去玩,一会儿要我念故事书给她听。她长大了,又像是没有长大。长大的感觉是从前每次风尘仆仆地从非洲回家,看她渐渐地从呱呱坠地到牙牙学语;没有长大的感觉是,哪怕是过了这么多年,这依然是个爱撒娇的小女孩,有时候还有一些调皮。

那个时候,我在Twitter里写:

「思琪慢慢地长大,想起去年回国她好像还不太会说话,今天发现她居然会唱《小苹果》了。姥姥训她的时候,带着哭腔的她似乎有一肚子的委屈要讲,可怜又可爱。」

「大概是女孩子的天赋,小思琪已然学会了撒娇。姥姥批评她的时候她便讲,我要去告诉舅舅。走到我面前,还没开口,自己已经破涕为笑了。」

那是14年的春天,她似乎连路还走不稳,我抱着她在屋后的春天里散步,也是第一次,明显地意识到母亲渐渐地老了。

从一代人到另一代人的过渡,从来都伴随着这样的无可奈何和无能为力。岁月无情。

屋子旧了,故乡陌生了。思琪长大了,妈妈却老了。我只觉得自己像那冬末春初的季节,青黄不接。

几乎是和姥姥度过了所有的童年的思琪,常常让我想起自己的小时候,那时爸妈一个离家出走的玩笑,我和姐姐便已经开始忍不住抹眼泪。

小孩子或许也懂得并且能够体会孤单的滋味,只是他们尚不知孤单这两个字怎么写。

傍晚的时候,带她去马路上玩耍,刚走到河边,她突然讲到,「记不记得我们从前在这里拍照?」我一时惊讶得讲不出话来。

这件微不足道的小事,我想了一下,已经明明是两年前的事情了。

她一边笑着跳着,一边学着布谷鸟的叫声。傍晚的天空中有飞机飞过,她又拉着我一遍一遍地喊着「飞机,飞机」。

看她这样的叽叽喳喳,心里忽然多出了许多安慰。她的童年和我的童年不太一样。但这一刻我觉得她是快乐的。心里长久以来的一些担心也慢慢地消解了。

回到家里,她突然翻箱倒柜地翻出一堆美术书,还要我陪她画画。虽然只是简单的涂鸦和上色,我却再次惊讶于她已经能够区分红色与粉色,蓝色与绿色,甚至在我讲「棕色」的时候,她已经学会「咖啡色」这样的词汇了。

和妈妈视频的时候,她亦不再像从前那般害羞而拒绝。有时候还会像个机灵鬼一样讲出一些出其不意,比如「舅娘这次为什么没有来?她是不是生你气了?你看你打电话她也不接。」

这样的可爱,是你抱在怀里怕她疼了捧在手心里又怕她化了般的怜爱。你希望她是你的,你也渴望着拥有着这样的她。

十一年前,也是这样的夏天,也是这样的夜晚,公路边的白杨尚不如今天这样粗壮,一些事物尚未来临,一些事物尚未失去,在过了整整十年之后,他想要表达的所有缅怀,已经渐渐地治愈了。

思琪的涂鸦

 

《童年》有14个想法

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