故乡

家庭关系里极为沉重的一部分就是,作为子女一日一日地长大,而父母却在不知不觉间迅速地老去,所以古语有言“树欲静而风不止,子欲养而亲不待”,这是一种让人无能为力的忧伤。如同每次回家,发现妈妈又老了,头上的白发又添了许多。你知道岁月催人老,却又没想到时光流逝得这样快速而无情。

我是勇敢的人,却害怕每次打电话回家,突然听见她的咳嗽声,恐惧她说最近身体不好。“儿行千里母担忧”,天知道作为儿子的却早已开始担忧母亲。我害怕她不听话,不按时吃药,不去看医生。挂完电话的心情是那落日后的黄昏,世界都开始在夜幕里变得灰暗凄凉。凄凉到感觉一刻也不能等,催签证,改机票,查火车,九千公里的距离在那一刻像是一整片太平洋,无边无际到使人无心无力。

北京的冬天太冷,又因为是从夏天回来,并没有足够的厚衣裳,在西站外面的冬夜里冻得瑟瑟发抖,上了车,凌晨三点的车厢里还是冷,风从车厢之间的缝隙里鱼贯而入。有好心的叔叔看我在那里困到不行,拉我去卧铺的车厢。车厢的地上坐满困倦的人们,一双双疲惫无神的眼睛。窗外则是北京的霓虹夜景,灯红酒绿。铁轨声中,一切飞逝而过。

等到终于换上回家的汽车,却发现身上连足够的人民币都没有,掏了书包里所有的硬币付了车费,然后默默地听着司机的揶揄。正午的阳光太温暖,WP他们在群里发村里田野的照片,秸秆已经黄到使照片看起来像是一片草原。我把手机里的歌切到赵雷的《妈妈》,准备美美地睡上一觉。

姐姐和姐夫早一天到家,小侄女见到我还是那样调皮,医院的年轻女护士显得毫无耐心,有一瞬间,我简直要起了厌恶,但想着第二天就是过年,又突然没了脾气。医生开完方,取完药,五个人一起去逛商场,给妈妈买了衣服,姐姐却坚持不让给女儿买,索性作罢。我经常想起她认真的样子,比如春天她反对我出国的时候,比如她说我冷漠不懂得照顾妈妈的时候,又比如我拒绝相亲她和我吵架的时候。我不怕她,却怕她生气难过。那种怕完全不同于小时候把她气到大哭一场。她大概也是感同身受,吵完架后我们又各自发短信互相道歉。但是做弟弟的在姐姐面前大概永远也不会懂事,生气归生气,气完以后,想想似乎每次她的确又是对的,只是自己倔强在她面前羞于承认罢了。

前三年的春节都是在非洲,今年在家过反而感觉多了一些年味。妈妈在家里忙东忙西,自己便在那里玩手机。她晚上在旁边包饺子,我却在微信里抢红包。下午和姐夫一起去村里贴春联,乡间似乎起了更大的变化。十年前的土路变成了柏油马路,马路两侧竖起了鳞次栉比的楼房,地基还在继续向马路尽头延伸。我们穿过田野,翻过几座小山丘,村子里荒无人烟,叔叔留下的旧房子依稀可见屋顶的漏洞,红墙黑瓦间满是斑驳的时光。我想起小时候奶奶住在这里,自己在门前玩耍,一切仿佛如昨。回到自己的老屋,树木和竹林早已将房子淹没,院子里的枯草长得比烟囱还要高。记得从小家里养鱼,门口的池塘一到夏天早晨,鱼儿便成群结队出来呼吸,如今这里已是荒草地一片,那些鱼儿大概也像自己一样去了更大的世界。

WP说接了对象来家里过年,说她知书达理,又说起在丈母娘家坐上席喝酒的经历。传统的婚姻里规矩众多,但这一切看起来却是井井有条的发生。我们几个为他感到高兴,祝福他有了这样懂得过日子且照顾他的女人。他偶尔心有不甘,我忍不住劝他:我们各自都经历过世间的繁华,能有平平淡淡的归宿未尝不好。说完我觉得有些矫情,他却说这话使他觉得温暖。

后来和他约好过几天一起再耍是在JJ和SS来家里拜年之后。我觉得不可思议,九年前我们三个人一起坐前后位,上课聊天却怕老师发现,于是在书桌下面悄悄地传小纸条。是在JJ的撮合下和SS走完高中时代最后的时光。我们曾在那些兵荒马乱的岁月里喝酒、玩耍、忙里偷闲。自习课上在桌子下面偷偷地拉手。高中时代又很快结束,几个人最后天南海北,我开始在无聊的大学课堂上写长长的信,中原到海南几乎可以是漂洋过海的等待。在等待中结束初恋,又听到婚讯,以及后来的悲伤,心里觉得惋惜。这中间大概略去了更多的部分,毕竟每个人都会有自己的困难和眼泪,像JJ说的婆媳关系,还有孙女和奶奶之间的隔膜,以及一闪而过的离婚念头,都使人难过却又无能为力,唯有隐忍。但是芳馨和子轩都会长大,但愿这些眼泪都会过去。JJ让妈妈认她当干女儿,SS说以后回来一定来看阿姨,心里感动到一瞬间说不出话来。和SS上次见面是11年的同学会,和JJ则是高中毕业之后,即便是这么多年过去了,那些最初的亲切和亲情却并没有被时间改变。JJ瘦了很多,SS还像以前一样。在大街上,确实因为拘谨,其实我多么想抱一抱你,就像那样抱一抱他那样。而那条“心里好酸楚,差点就成我婆婆了”的信息,你是故意想让我掉眼泪,那种感觉是当时看《山河故人》里沈涛来看望重病中的梁子的心情。

今天是大年初一,邻居互相串门拜年,自己当然也不例外,然后发现从小一起玩的小伙伴们渐渐地都有了另一半和下一代,形单影只的越来越少。我知道这是妈妈感觉孤独的一个原因,自己当初亦有过同样的孤独感。而不同的却是,自己的孤独感更像是年夜里绽放的烟花,稍纵即逝,妈妈的孤独感则是绽放之后那漫无边际而又漆黑的冬夜。

《故乡》有14个想法

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