有人带来了雪意和五点钟

街上的树叶绿意盎然,人们甚至还没有穿上秋裤,一场意外的大雪一夜之间已将京城银装素裹。早晨开窗的时候,冷空气像是敌人一样扑面而来,朦胧睡意一瞬间烟消云散。果然是座没有秋天的城市。

昨晚做了不切实际的梦,梦见两个分开的人又在一起了。三点钟午夜梦回,有失重一般的失落感。打开手机听喜马拉雅,从《十点读书》听到《都市夜归人》,从凌晨听到六点钟,睡意全无。早晨迟迟不来。翻来覆去睡不着,想起前几年喜欢过的一首诗:

有人带来了雪意和五点钟。

灰色的天。灰色的海。灰色的路。

院子里白茫茫的一片,树干在天地之间愈发显得孤独。十点钟的时候雪越下越大,望着窗外,直教人心里默念张枣的那首《镜中》:

只要想起一生中后悔的事,梅花便落满了南山。

不一样的意象,却好像有着一样的意境。

雪却又来得并不意外。那天晚归经过南四环的天桥,天桥上有大爷卖冰糖葫芦,玲珑剔透,想买又终于没有买。一个人的状态,连食欲都可以渐渐退化。街灯向晚,是冷的感觉,亦是孤独的感觉。孤独亦可以是今晚回来的路上遇见街边分手的青年男女。

故事再悲伤,到底是故事。

常常有幻觉一切并没有离开,比如夜色里的另一个你。头发,眼镜,脸蛋,衣着。就差前去问一声好的勇气。那勇气是《情书》里男藤井树向着茫茫雪山对女藤井树的呐喊:

“你好吗?”“我很好。”

下午和J坐taxi去东城,司机嫌闷听广播,有主持人不断逗乐:你在海南吃雪糕,我在北京发高烧。忍不住笑了,城里人虽会玩,但到底寂寞。我甚至想司机会不会每天开车太无聊,以至于像村上小说里的那两个哥们一样去袭击面包店。再要是被店主强迫听一遍瓦格纳,那简直可以写个剧本拍电影了。

又有朋友在社交网络上贴马頔的歌词:你在南方的艳阳里大雪纷飞,我在北方的寒夜里四季如春。恕我直言,听了好几次这首《南山南》,感觉马頔写词的时候脑子一定是被马踢了。

街头和公共交通里的广告突然之间多了起来,为了迎接属于孤独人的节日。孤独的人是可耻的。

又常常会有不安全感,坐在维族司机车里或者半夜走在和田大街上都没有过的不安全感,全因人与人之间的不信任。不信任是同样寒风凛冽的夜晚,露宿白沙湖边塔族人家里,心里毫无来由的戒备,莫名其妙。

想读一遍《圣经》,再读一遍福音书。不是信徒,却永远觉得主是慰藉,是精神苦难的救赎,是漫漫黑夜里的黎明之光。从春天到夏天,从秋天到冬天,自由同时变得自我,自在同时又变得自私。渐渐变成一个不可理喻甚至不可原谅的人。

晚上和旧友吃饭喝酒,是推杯换盏的快乐,快乐得像是白居易的诗:

绿蚁新醅酒,红泥小火炉。晚来天欲雪,能饮一杯无?

快乐之余,愿他会真的幸福。

《有人带来了雪意和五点钟》有9个想法

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